I've never been a person who can easily toss guilt aside. I remember when I was younger and someone left the refrigerator open my father would shout around the house, "who did this?" "we have energy bills to pay!" and everyone responded with "it wasn't me!" While honestly I didn't think it was me, for some reason I would sit there with this guilt that maybe it was me and I forgot. Or maybe I walked past the door and didn't close it. Was it my fault?
As a mother this guilt has grown ten-fold. I feel guilty about EVERYTHING! Take today, for example. As his afternoon nap time drew near, I realized he didn't seem quite tired. He was playing indpendently in our cupboards while I was doing laundry and wasn't producing any telltale "it's naptime" signs for me, like rubbing his eyes or resting his head on the ground. Because of this I let him hang for an extra 5 minutes. Well, when those 5 minutes were up, still no nap signs appeared. I decided to put him down anyways (we had plans this afternoon I didn't want him overtired for). As soon as we got into his room he screamed - knowing what I'm about to do. I changed him, and put him down - he screamed. I sat out in the kitchen while he screamed. I came back in and took him out and let him play (besides the screaming, still no signs of being tired).
After we played for a bit, I put him back down and he screamed. I took the garbage out, and came back to screaming. I waited 10 minutes, then went in and read him a book and rocked him. He then screamed.
(this pic is so old! fortunately he doesn't scream enough anymore for me to have a camera on hand!)
What am I doing wrong? Am I horrible to want him to nap? Should I stop forcing it just because we have plans today? Am I making him nap for my own selfish reasons (like I want to shower)? So I made him a bottle, went in and gave it to him, rocked him, put him down and he - you guessed it - screamed. Am I losing my mind...I feel like I'm not doing the right things, I feel like I'm making him hate his crib, I feel like I'm not giving him what he needs, and then...silence. Complete quiet. After 5 minutes I peeked in and he was sound asleep, and a feeling of accomplishment swept over me.
So the question is why do I doubt myself so much? Sure maybe he wasn't ready to nap right at the time I thought he should, but just because I tried doesn't make me a bad mom. I have had conversations with women who make their children nap at the same time everyday, whether they are tired or not, and if they scream, well they scream till they sleep, and I don't think they should feel guilty. They are good mother's for doing with what works best for their family. So why do I feel guilty for doing what I think is best for mine?
Moms feel guilty for working, they feel guilty for staying at home, they feel guilty when their child doesn't walk before a year, or when they all of a sudden stop waving when they used to. They feel guilty for splurging on McDonald's and turning on the tv, they feel guilty for forgetting sunblock or driving past a rest stop when the next rest stop is 40 miles away with the hope their kid won't notice - trust me, they always notice! And don't get me started on how you feel when you have to pin your child down to apply eyedrops. Look on the brightside, you could always be worse:
So what are we to do? Well, first and foremost we must support each other. I do not understand all those fellow moms that feel the need to judge other moms for any reason what-so-ever. Unless you see a mom hit a child or curse at them, leave the judgements to the side. We don't need eyes rolled at us when we pull out a bottle instead of breastfeeding, we don't need headshaking when discussing whether we cry-it-out or have a family bed. The last thing any of us needs is to feel guilty for not being the exact mom other moms want us to be, that is ridiculous.
So I say, go with your gut. After Stets fell asleep I had to sit and think about my guilt. First I thought, "he's not hurt", then I had to think "forcing a nap might actually be good for him". He'll feel better when he wakes up and I won't feel like I'm dealing with at ticking timebomb that may go off at any minute. In the end, I actually think it was right of me to ensure he got a nap, and I also feel it was good to reflect on the fact that stressing about naps is going to do nothing but give me wrinkles, and I need to save my wrinkles for more important things, like stressing over whether or not Brad is going to watch Arrested Development with me or if he already watched it while I was out of town.
(get it? "Call me - Maybe" or Maeby? hahahaha!)
Till next time...
Peace, love and I should shower before it's too late!!
Brigid
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